When You Lose a Baby...or two

You don’t know what to expect.
People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.
You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.
You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.
And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.
You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.
It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.
You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.
You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.
The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.
Forever.
You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.
You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.
You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.
You sware you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.
You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.
Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.
You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.
You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.
You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.
Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.
People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.
You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.
There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.
You lose friends. You find new ones.
You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.
You would do anything for another minute with your child.
You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.
You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.
You want to know what went wrong, and why…
You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.
You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.
You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.
You learn to live with the pain.
You are better for having known them at all.

Slow Me Down, Lord

Ease the pounding of my heart by the quieting of my mind. Steady my hurried pace. Give me, amidst the day's confusion, the calmness of the everlasting hills.
Break the tensions of my nerves and muscles with the soothing music of singing streams that live in my memory.
Help me to know the magical, restoring power of sleep. Teach me the art of taking "minute vacations"... slowing down to look at a flower, to chat with a friend, to read a few lines from a good book.
Remind me of the fable of the hare and the tortoise; that the race is not always to the swift; that there is more to life than measuring its speed.
Let me look up at the branches of the towering oak and know that it grew slowly and well. Inspire me to send my own roots down deep into the soil of life's endearing values ... that I may grow toward the stars of my greater destiny.

Slow me down, Lord.

{Wilferd Arlan Peterson}

Tyler - 11 months Old

Le Petite Bebe

Saying Goodbye - Benjamin Leo

What a difference time came make.....and then again there are some things that time can never do! Today is the day that I said goodbye to Ben. He returned to our heavenly father as the sweet angel he is! I miss him terribly....but 30 years from now that will still be the same. I found myself unable to sleep last night and crying as I remember my last moments with him. I was with him when he came into this world and I held him in my arms as he left it!

Benjamin Leo DeBruin

Jan 20-Jan 30 2010

Flying Tyler

Sweater Vest

Playing in the Morning

Tyler's First Christmas - Rochester MN

Grandmad DeBruin's Christmas Tree.....please note all the presents (we all said we were not going to buy anything for each other as we are all saving to go to Hawaii in July) I guess we forgot!
Mommy & Tyler....We went to church on Christmas Eve with the family which was really nice. Unfortunately daddy got really sick when we arrived in MN and he spent most of the week in bed!

"what you doing mommy?"

Tyler "eating" I mean unwrapping presents (this was not a present for her by the way)

Tyler & Grandma DeBruin (so sad these turned out blurry)

"Grandma....I want to wear your glasses"

Tyler, Aunt Wendy, Cousin Savannah & Brett

Cousins (Savannah 11, Brett 6, Tyler 9 months)

My favorite Nephew in the world. Brett is so creative. He loves to color, draw, and write stories. He is such a loving and sweet boy. He and I love to watch Phineas & Ferb together.

I have the cutest niece & nephew ever! So beautiful!

We have a special tradition that we go out to breakfast in our PJ's. We went to Perkins on the last day of my visit. It was so fun...but it was soooo cold!

My neice is soooo tall!

Savannah "Savvy" is the sweetest girl in the world. She is so beautiful and so smart. She is in middle school and she is doing so well. She loves to play volleyball and to go shopping!

"Home Alone Face"

Opening presents with the kids on Christmas Eve....they were going to their dads house on Christmas day so we spent Christmas Eve with them. It was a great night.

Uncle Barry turned 40 on Christmas Eve! All the grown ups went to dinner on 12/23 to celebrate his birthday...and then he got to open his birthday presents on Christmas Eve.

Uncle Barry and his fiance' Christy with Savannah...showing off their matching Hawaii shirts. Barry and Christy are getting married in Waliea Maui on July 22, 2012. We can't wait to celebrate with them!

Ash The Cat in Baby Jumper

This is my sister-in-law Wendy's cat Ash.....she is the coolest cat! She likes to take rides in the baby stroller and then we put her in the jumper and she liked that too!

Tyler Standing

Little Mermaid Jammies

Burlington Ward Holiday Party

Not the best picture or Grandma....but it was the only one I got that morning. The Burlington Ward had a pancake breakfast Christmas Party.
I LOVE this picture of Aunt Jackie & Haylie
Tyler's 2nd introduction to Tyler!

Haylie did not want to sit on Santa's lap but her mom made her!

I love this look!

Playtime in the Morning

Christmas Cookie Party

All set up for the cookie decorating party!
I had every kind of frosting & candy you could think of available to decorate with!

Our lives have changed so much over the last year.....there was probably more baby chasing than cookie decorating but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Sam and her twins Braxton & Emma

Tyler's bestfriend Emma!

Everyone is on the move these days.

The finished product!

Tyler's Golf Pants

I loved this outfit sooo much that I paid full price for it. I just love the golf style plaid pants!

Watching cartoons as always!

Christmas Card Photo Shoot

This is how the pictures started....Tyler was less then enthused to be all dressed up. She just wanted to play!

I get this look a lot when she doesn't want to do something or she is frustrated......this face is almost always accompanied by growling!
Starting to cooperate

Pretty girl

Boydie told me I should stand Tyler up against a wall to help her learn balance and to start walking. She did great standing all by herself.

Thank goodness for the smile!

"Mommy....this is what I think about taking pictures"

Fish Face

"Mom.....I am reading.....hello!"

She loves sucking her thumb

I love this smile......She is the greatest blessing in my life!